estdeus_innobis | Sink into dream; these enchanted depths / The realm of muted wisdom

Current Mood: calm

Entry tags:

hope,
simon

Sink into dream; these enchanted depths / The realm of muted wisdom

Slowly descend; trust ignites the darkness
And bliss is this drowning moment.

Day 144, Thursday October 23rd
Earliest morning
Another place

I feel his blade sweep down and there's something there, just close enough to touch and just enough like me I reach out and... I'm in another place.

I reach up and the scar's there. Long and thin on my cheek, getting ragged as I reach the bone. Bumpy above my eye, where the blade or the horn dug into bone. It's quiet here. Green sward. A barrow mound, with a monument. Can't see what's written, here. Just a pillar in the distance. Walk towards it, and I'm there. Low mound of earth, covered in grass. Dolmen archway for an entrance, framed in unhewn stone. The monument rises behind it. Don't have the words for its form. It bears the name of everything ever loved. Ah. Know every name, there. It is a long list.

The ground slopes before the barrow entrance, and I walk down. There's a pool in a hollow before the barrow deep and dark, ringed with stones. Look down.

Reflection stares back. It's me. The hood of my robe is thrown over my brow, and I push it back. Look young. No, ageless. Slim and strong, masculine and womanly. It's almost strange, for a moment. But it is me. The shade of my wings darkens the reflection then. Look up. There's sunlight, but clouds are moving. Coming. Somewhere there is a storm. There are many deaths, and something in the thought makes me raise my gaze. Smile. "Hello, Hope," I say kindly. Lay the scythe - no, hammer - down, and walk around the pool. In the distance cities burn, but here it is quiet.

~~[Open to Hope]~~
[Closed]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Is that why you ended up in Simon?" Her hand traces the scar up to my eye. "Was Simon jus' a normal bloke, afore?" This is another difficult one. "He was, in his way, very normal. And he was the closest thing to what I am, to what I was, when this happened." Speaking now as I said, in this body. Still Simon, really. Also Azrael. I draw my finger down my scar. Closest in time, closest in space. Closest in spirit. "Now, I do not know. This thing that has happened, it is not something that happens." I smile briefly. "Many things are hard for me to explain properly."

She looks up into my eyes. "I'm jus... I ain't nothin' special," she says, and I laugh, because she is. "But if I can do anythin', I will. Cos even if I ain't so afraid to die no more, I don' want it to be yet, not for me or my friends. Least not because of 'im." She leans into me. "That's all that is asked, Hope. That we try, that we strive." Stroke her hair as she leans into me. "Th'Voice," she asks hesitantly, "Do you.. D'you ever 'ear from it, now?"

Hope this will not worry her. "Will have heard the Voice only twice, me. Once when I was charged with my duty. And once when everything ends. They angels have no free will, for it commands our will. But I do not know what will come." I look down at her, resting in the curve of my arm. "So my will is as free as yours, in its way." Mostly.

"He was, in his way, very normal. And he was the closest thing to what I am, to what I was, when this happened."

Wonder at that, puzzlin' over it. Both normal an' like an angel? Dunno 'ow that works. "Now, I do not know. This thing that has happened, it is not something that happens.Many things are hard for me to explain properly."

I touch 'is 'and, cos I don't want 'im to feel bad if 'e can't explain.

"If it ain't ever 'appened before, I guess there ain't words fer it," I say.

I ask 'bout the Voice. Wonder if it's like the God Dad used to tell us about, bit of an old granpa in the sky. Prob'ly not. Sounds... more distant than that.

"Will have heard the Voice only twice, me. Once when I was charged with my duty. And once when everything ends. They angels have no free will, for it commands our will. But I do not know what will come. So my will is as free as yours, in its way."

Try t'get my brain round that, Azrael bein' subject t'someone else. Seems strange. Lots o'questions I could ask now, an' if I were more crafty or such I'd think o'somethin' smart t'say, but instead I look at 'is calm sad face an' ask:

"D'you feel lonely, then?"

Doesn't really understand it all. But it's no easy thing for me, either. Wish sometimes I had the purity of purpose that drives some of my brothers. "If it ain't ever 'appened before, I guess there ain't words fer it," she settles. Know there's a lot she'd want to ask. Could give some answers, but she just looks up at me and asks "D'you feel lonely, then?"

I hesitate. Don't want to burden her, but I can think of few that I can share things with as with Hope. I press my face to her hair, for a moment, then pull back to look at her. "Yes, Hope. Been good at ignoring it, but yes. Humans rarely welcome me. And I haven't known my brothers in a century. Before then, well. I did not fit with them so well. My brothers, many of them are concerned with how people measure. But to me, well. After death all are equal." But there is Hope, now. A few others too, who know me and are not afraid.

"Yes, Hope. Been good at ignoring it, but yes. Humans rarely welcome me. And I haven't known my brothers in a century. Before then, well. I did not fit with them so well. My brothers, many of them are concerned with how people measure. But to me, well. After death all are equal."

Can feel th'sadness in 'im. Ages old, like a weight against me chest, and 'e puts 'is face against my 'air like I can comfort 'im. Feel a sort o'joy at that, despite 'is sadness. Wonder if that makes me selfish.

"Seems 'ard," I say, "fer you t'ave bin given a job as will keep you apart from people, make 'em fear you." Feel a bit cross at th'Voice at that. Don' seem fair, for Azrael t've been given a job as will keep 'im lonely. Curl against 'im, an' I wonder a bit about whether it'll be this safe in the grave. Maybe if people knew it they wouldn't be so afraid. "Do you know what 'appens to people, once you've done yer job, like?" I ask. Wonder if 'eaven an' 'ell are real.

Feel her sadness for me, and her pleasure. Makes me smile. "Seems 'ard," she says, "fer you t'ave bin given a job as will keep you apart from people, make 'em fear you." Shake my head a little. "To be true, many of my brothers do not care if humans love them. The love of their brothers and the light of Heaven are enough for them. But what would I in Heaven? My duties are here."

She curls closer to me. "Do you know what 'appens to people, once you've done yer job, like?" Shake my head. "I gather them, grant them peace and safety. But where they go after that? I do not think angels go there. I think the Voice set aside a place of rest for his favourite children, where they go after death. But I do not know." This is part, I think, of what angered my Eldest brother.

"To be true, many of my brothers do not care if humans love them. The love of their brothers and the light of Heaven are enough for them. But what would I in Heaven? My duties are here."

Feel sad for 'im when 'e says that. 'E don't fit in nowhere, really. 'Is work is important, but 'e don't really fit with 'is brothers nor with th' people 'e was made t'serve. Wonder what'll 'appen to 'im when everyone's gone, 'is job done? Will 'e go to 'eaven?

"I gather them, grant them peace and safety. But where they go after that? I do not think angels go there. I think the Voice set aside a place of rest for his favourite children, where they go after death. But I do not know."

Reach up an' touch 'is cheek.

"'m sorry. Strange idea t'me, that th' Voice could prefer us to you," I says, cos 'umans, well, folk're all kinds of inter'stin', but they ain't radiant like Azrael. "Will you speak to - your brother?" I say, not wantin' to say 'is name. Think 'e might even be able to 'ear it in dreams.

She reaches up again, strokes my cheek. "'m sorry. Strange idea t'me, that th' Voice could prefer us to you," she says. Suppose it could seem that way. Hard to remember what it was like, before my duty, before Simon, when I was alike to my brothers. "Will you speak to - your brother?"

Sigh. I nod. "I should. Can't think of anything to say to him, though. Nothing that hasn't been said before." I curve a wing around her, following the curve of my arm around her. "I still love my brother. But he - he is blasphemous. In the purest, most original way. How do you deal with someone like that?"

This is a question for humans, for we certainly have no good answer to it.

"I should. Can't think of anything to say to him, though. Nothing that hasn't been said before."

"Be careful," I say. Don' think I know the 'alf of what 'im in the tower can do, an' what I do know scares me. I wrinkle me forehead. "If you died... What'd 'appen to everyone else? When they died?" Question jus' comes out, an' I cover me mouth, wonderin' if it's alright to ask somethin' like that.

"I still love my brother. But he - he is blasphemous. In the purest, most original way. How do you deal with someone like that?"

"I dunno," I say, fore'ad furrowin'. "'E don' want yer love, I s'pose." Can't imagine that, neither. "Wonder if 'e could ever go back t'bein' 'ow 'e was afore all this." Remember when all th'cards turned to th'Tower, an' shiver. Wonder if there's any goin' back from that.

"Be careful," she says with fear in her voice. "If you died... What'd 'appen to everyone else? When they died?" I shake my head. "I do not know. Angels have died, but not all touch the world in the same way. Think maybe people would still die, but it would not bring them peace." But given my final duty, I am not sure I can die, not like I have seen my brothers go.

She wrinkles her forehead, thinking on my question. "I dunno," she says. "'E don' want yer love, I s'pose. Wonder if 'e could ever go back t'bein' 'ow 'e was afore all this."

Never thought on that, not really. The idea of him wanting it seems absurd. But the hope of it, there... I smile. "You are well named, Hope." Lay back and spread out my arms and wings, looking up into the sky. The storm clouds are still gathering close. But there's still light, and the rain hasn't come.

"I do not know. Angels have died, but not all touch the world in the same way. Think maybe people would still die, but it would not bring them peace."

I shiver at that. Lawks, they might all be lost, all 'em souls, wi' no one to guide 'em 'ome... Realise I've sorta snuggled 'gainst Azrael again at th'thought o'that. Don' want 'im to be lost to us.

But what I say 'bout 'is brother seems to make 'im smile at least. Unfurls 'is wings an' lays back on th' grass, lookin' at the sky. I lie back with 'im an' look up. Clouds are movin' fast, but the sky's still bright.

"Hope 'n Faith. That's what me mum called us. Knew she was goin' t'die, I think, after we was born. Doc 'ad to cut 'er open to get us out, an' th'wound got infected after. But she loved us even though we 'urt 'er, Dad said, an' I believe 'im. An' that's why I can love you, even wi' your job. An' why you can love yer brother." Turn onto me side. "Even if one day yer goin' to take 'im 'ome, too." S'pose if everythin's goin' t'end, even the devil'll feel the scythe.

Lean in a bit boldly an' kiss 'im on the lips. Would be lyin' if I said it were jus' friendly, but it ain't like I expect anythin'. It's cos I can't think of anythin' else I can give 'im, so let that be my offerin'.

She shivers and leans closer. Lays back with me and follows my gaze up. "Hope 'n Faith. That's what me mum called us. Knew she was goin' t'die, I think, after we was born. Doc 'ad to cut 'er open to get us out, an' th'wound got infected after. But she loved us even though we 'urt 'er, Dad said, an' I believe 'im. An' that's why I can love you, even wi' your job. An' why you can love yer brother." She turns and looks at me. "Even if one day yer goin' to take 'im 'ome, too."

I wonder at that. I come for all things. Never really thought on what it would be like, coming for my brothers. For him. I glance to where the pillar stands. Wonder if his name would show, there, if any could truly know him and love him still.

Hope bends to me and kisses me. I lay my hand on her cheek. "You don't have to give me anything, Hope. Not if you don't want. I am nothing to be worshipped - just a servant, a messenger."

Smile a bit at 'im.

"'Ad to do a lot o'things I di'n't want to," I say. "Part of bein' 'uman, I s'pose. But I ain't ever given my 'eart if I ain't wanted to." I lean on me elbow. "I'll try not t'worship you. Might be difficult," I admit, "cos you - are like nothin' I ever saw. An' you 'ave such grace." I smile again. "But if you don't want a worshipper, I'll be yer friend, an' gladly."

Hope smiles at me. "'Ad to do a lot o'things I di'n't want to," she says. "Part of bein' 'uman, I s'pose. But I ain't ever given my 'eart if I ain't wanted to." She props herself up on her elbow and looks down at me. "I'll try not t'worship you. Might be difficult, cos you - are like nothin' I ever saw. An' you 'ave such grace." Lips quirk at me. "But if you don't want a worshipper, I'll be yer friend, an' gladly."

Smile. Can do without the temptation of worship. Humans should not worship me. Sit up a bit and kiss her back. She tastes like sweet roses.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sink into dream; these enchanted depths / The realm of muted wisdom

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject