that I may drive away bitter cowardice from my head

[a-cheval.livejournal.com]

Wednesday, September 16th

Well.

Well I ain't a bloody coward, so I ain't just going to hide at the Post Office forever, if that's what he thinks. Ain't going to. So I done the bloody run, and nothing happened. And yeah I was scared, scared the fucking life out of me, I don't mind telling you, but I done it, cause I ain't a coward, and there weren't no gods running 'bout in them woods or nothing, and there weren't nothing bad as happened, so. Samuel made me take the shotgun, mind. Said I didn't have to go if I didn't want, and that was real nice of him. Didn't look at me, but he said it, and he made me a flask of coffee to take with me.

And I reckon it helped too, talking to Johnny the other night, cause he's a real nice kid and he makes me feel like less of an idiot, frankly. Not-- not cause he's one or nothing, don't mean it like that, but just cause he ain't used to none of this neither. The whole lots of gods thing.

And it stopped me thinking 'bout Boku too (sort of), and him saying that poem at Hermia's party, and his hand on the way home and the other night besides, cause even if I only kissed him it still counts, it still bloody counts. Shouldn't've done that. Just shouldn't. Only the thing is, right, I don't want to take it back, neither. I ain't even sorry. And-- and that's--

Shit.

Where is Ares anyway? Where the fuck is he? Ain't no point acting all pissed when I get hurt, then fucking off without even asking if I'm okay. Ain't even told him 'bout Samuel. Ain't even told him 'bout the party, or--

Shit.

But I ain't a bloody coward, so I go down to the ranch anyway.

[Closed.]

Comments

[ares-thracian.livejournal.com]

As always, I know he's on his way before he comes. I knew he was here before as well, just made sure I wasn't. In some ways I feel more like myself than I ever have, just not the self Luke has known and until this mess is cleaned up I think watching over him from a distance is a safer bet for him. I can't risk losing control and doing him harm, I won't. I'm saving that for those more deserving.

Fuck, isn't this the reason I never got involved with them to begin with? Bad enough one was killed, I'm not going to stand by and let it happen to him too. Its not his fault, nor do I blame him but I'm not going to be the reason of the cause of harm coming to him and at the moment his feelings are the least of my concern when compared to his life.

I can feel his anger even before he reaches the door, nothing large or wild, but my poor Luke is annoyed. As well he should be I suppose, as much as he tries, there's only so much he's going to understand. And I don't think this is going to be one of those things.

Keeping my face passive, I open the door just as he reaches it, standing aside to let him in. "Hello Luke. How have you been?" I'll let him do the talking. He's already said he doesn't want to know about some of the stuff I do.

[a-cheval.livejournal.com]

"How've I been?" 's right then, right bloody then I realise he don't give a shit how I been. Says it like it's just something to say, just being polite. If he cared, right, he'd have asked me before now. He'd not have left it to me to bloody find him, he'd've come and bloody asked me himself.

Stands back for me to go in, but I ain't in the mood to go in, I ain't in the mood to be in there with all this god stuff and his god friends and his god sister. "Maybe- maybe if you-" Look down and scuff my boot in the gravel a bit, then shove my hands in my pockets and look off over the yard. "Come out," I say, rubbing the back of my neck. "I ain't in the mood to be inside."

Dunno why I don't just turn round and go again. I done that before, I run off on him before, why don't I just do that now? He wouldn't bloody care. He don't give a shit. But that ain't... I dunno. It ain't right. So I don't. Turn round and walk off over the yard towards the track, and let him follow me for once.

[ares-thracian.livejournal.com]

As soon as the words are out of my mouth he gets a look as if I just slapped his face. Oh for fucks sake, spends too much time with that cat prick if you ask me. "Maybe- maybe if you-"

I can feel my head cock slightly, waiting for him to finish. If I what? But he doesn't finish, just looks down at the ground looking fucked off as ever. Juno's Cunt, just fucking asking how he is is no cause for the sullen look on his face. I can already feel the anger starting to boil, won't allow him to see it though. "Come out, I ain't in the mood to be inside."

Shrugging, I keep my anger from showing in my face and walk out, following him. Strangely enough as annoyed as I am, I'd like nothing more than to hug him and tell him its all going to be all right. But I don't know that it is and as happy as my sister has been the few times she's seen me lately, I don't even trust myself to touch him. I know what she sees. "I found out who the other wolf was." I say in an even tone. "The second one wasn't just a wolf either, some sort of a shape changer like your cat friend. Apparently he works in the bakery, traitorous fuck even slept in your stables from what I'm told," I growl.

[a-cheval.livejournal.com]

If he reckons I can't see him acting like that, he's bloody wrong. But he follows me, hell, he don't even touch me, and just as I'm about to try and say something he starts off on the other week. "I found out who the other wolf was." That stops me. Turn and look at him, but to be honest I ain't even been thinking 'bout the other one. Some wolf don't seem so important when you got an actual god hunting you down. Maybe it's just that I've not wanted to think about it at all. "The second one wasn't just a wolf either, some sort of a shape changer like your cat friend. Apparently he works in the bakery, traitorous fuck even slept in your stables from what I'm told."

Takes me a moment, cause bloody hell. Johnny? "Um." Fair to say I didn't expect that. "It- um." Feel like I got all worked up to say one thing, then he comes out with that and I dunno what to even... Rub my hand through my hair and try and think of it, try and think of Johnny turning into a wolf, but I just don't see it, I don't see it at all. Yeah, Luke, cause you're real fucking perceptive the rest of the time. You know what? Fucking figures. "Right," I say. Nod a bit. "Right, well that's... Yeah."

Ain't bothered about me. Ain't bothered 'bout him chasing me, but I will punch his fucking lights out for hurting Freya. Mind-

Oh, shit, I shot Johnny. Oh, shit. "You ain't- Have you- What've you done?"

[ares-thracian.livejournal.com]

Luke stops walking when I tell him about the wolf, turning to look at me confused. Well of course he would be, its not as if he can sense that shit.

I cross my arms over my chest as he works it out in his mind. No use going on until he's done and I know Luke has to chew on it first. "Right, well that's... Yeah. You ain't- Have you- What've you done?" Now its my turn to look confused.

"What have I done?" I laugh, "He's allied with a moron of a god and tries to kill you and Frey and you're worried about what I've done now?" I chuckle shaking my head. Just like when they were hurt, he'd let himself bleed out to save his fucking horse. Sweet as it is, I just don't understand it. "I've done nothing, Luke. Yet." I grin, "I told you I'd take care of it and I will." He said he wanted me to, but I know he doesn't want to hear of the details either so I won't go into it. "You know him I take it?" I ask. Its a pretty easy guess given his reaction. Just makes it all the worse, the cowardly bastard plays his friend then turns on him. Shouldn't be surprised at that given the company he keeps.

[a-cheval.livejournal.com]

He laughs. Course he laughs. Makes me get this sorta swooping feeling in my chest cause he don't sound no different when he laughs. "What have I done? He's allied with a moron of a god and tries to kill you and Frey and you're worried about what I've done now?" Yeah, well, he's got a point there. But I reckon if either of 'em'd been set on killing me I wouldn't be around to argue the point, frankly. "I've done nothing, Luke. Yet. I told you I'd take care of it and I will. You know him I take it?"

Just nod. I feel sick. "Not real well or nothing. He- he bought me a drink," I say, and it don't make sense even a bit, 'less he wanted to find out stuff off me, but I dunno, didn't much seem that way. Maybe he just felt bad. Maybe he just felt bad about it, I- I would.

"I don't want you to take care of it," I say, sudden like. "I thought you meant the- the other god, yeah, and it ain't your job to take care of it, just- leave it. God's one thing, but it ain't fair with Johnny." Does he reckon I need him to everything for me? I don't. I bloody don't. I'm the one shot Johnny (don't get no better, thinking that), he weren't nowhere near. "He never tried to kill me, I told you. I shot him and he never caught up. Just- just leave it."

[ares-thracian.livejournal.com]

"Not real well or nothing. He- he bought me a drink," he says, nodding and looking rather pale. "He came to see you after he did what he did?" I say, half laughing. This kid has some balls. Easy to have them when your prey didn't know it was you though. And by Jupiter's stone I can see it in his face, forgiveness. I think he'd forgive anything, we'll see.

"I don't want you to take care of it," he blurts. "I thought you meant the- the other god, yeah, and it ain't your job to take care of it, just- leave it. God's one thing, but it ain't fair with Johnny."

Oh what in the blue fuck is this. "Not my job...you fucking seemed to think it was when I asked you if you wanted me to," I say, then shake my head, "You know what? Forget it. I live to serve after all," I say with a mock bow. Fucking typical and mortal, can't make up their fucking minds.

"He never tried to kill me, I told you. I shot him and he never caught up. Just- just leave it."

"What the fuck do you think he was doing, Luke? Playing a rousing game of chase?" I ask, wide eyed trying to decided if he's joking or not. Is he really trying to convince himself of this? And I'm supposed to stand by and let another mortal I love die, just watch it happen.

[a-cheval.livejournal.com]

"Not my job...you fucking seemed to think it was when I asked you if you wanted me to," he says, and I snap my head round to stare at him.

"I never said nothing about it being your job! I said you didn't have to, even! I never thought nothing like that, I was- I didn't fucking- I just had fucking wolf gods after me! I didn't know what was fucking what! What was I s'posed to do 'bout gods after me?" Fucking hell, now I gotta watch what I say round him cause he'll say I asked him to go on some rampage? What the- "You know what? Forget it. I live to serve after all," he says, bowing at me.

Can feel myself going all red. What the fuck is wrong with him? "You reckon I think like that, do you? You reckon I wanted you to go round beating up fucking kids for me? What- what-" Make a frustrated noise cause I can't get the words out. Thank fuck my hands're balled up cause I think they're even shaking a bit. Fucking live to serve, smug fucking bastard. Smug fucking bastard, why can't he just stop it. "What the fuck do you think he was doing, Luke? Playing a rousing game of chase?"

Don't say nothing to that. Just stare down at the ground pressing my mouth shut so nothing comes out of it. Eventually push down the trembling feeling I got and I say, "don't fucking put it on me just cause you're pissed you never got there till afterwards. And don't try that smug shit with me either, all bowing at that, it ain't funny. It ain't funny, Ares."

[ares-thracian.livejournal.com]

"I never said nothing about it being your job! I said you didn't have to, even! I never thought nothing like that, I was- I didn't fucking- I just had fucking wolf gods after me! I didn't know what was fucking what! What was I s'posed to do 'bout gods after me?"

"Same thing you're planning on doing now, I expect. Given you don't need my kind of help." I figured this would come up eventually. No matter how much he thinks he understands, he doesn't. He can't. Which is why he need not have me around. My presence is just going to call more attention to him.

I can stay away and let him have a life and still make sure he survives to live it. "don't fucking put it on me just cause you're pissed you never got there till afterwards. And don't try that smug shit with me either, all bowing at that, it ain't funny. It ain't funny, Ares."

"I'm not laughing. And I'm putting anything on you other than what your own words already have. I have never claimed to be anything other than what I am. As you said, its not my job to take care of things for you." And it never was my job, its something I did for other reasons and still will for the very same ones. But if he wants me to do nothing, I won't. I should have left him be and not interfered but I wanted him too much. He might not have been in the danger he's in now had I not and its something I intend to remedy. I'm sorry my Luke, I'd rather hurt your feelings and let you go than see you dead by my hand or because of me.

I sneer, "You're right of course, Luke. So if there isn't anything else, I'll leave you to playing with your new friends then," I say coldly.

[a-cheval.livejournal.com]

I listen to him, but I don't even know what he means, I don't even get half of what he's saying. I don't even get what he's on about. Fucking nonsense, the lot of it. Fucking nonsense. And it ain't cause I'm stupid neither. It ain't cause of that. "Stop fucking twisting everything," I snap at him, frowning. "Fucking stop it, stop twisting everything so it sounds like you're right about everything. You're only doing it to make yourself feel better. You think I don't know that? You're- you're-"

But I have to stop again cause the words all clog up in my throat, and he's looking at me so cold, like I ain't nothing, and they all freeze up in me and I can't get nothing out. "You're right of course, Luke. So if there isn't anything else, I'll leave you to playing with your new friends then," he says, and then I feel all hot and then cold and god, oh god, this-

This ain't how it was s'posed to go at all.

"Least he is my friend. Least he fucking cares enough to show up after something like that and see how I am, least he fucking cares enough to ask me. You- you don't even-" And I'm yelling even if I can't keep my voice level, but I don't go no closer to him. "You don't give a fucking shit, do you? You're too busy with your fucking god stuff to even wonder if I'm okay. I ain't seen you in a fucking month, I don't even know where you been. You ain't the same."

That's what it comes down to, ain't it. Shake my head. "You ain't the same at all. I fucking loved you. Don't you fucking get that? And you're- you're fucking scared so you're doing this." And part of me thinks, fucking let him, if he wants to be like that, fucking let him, cause I got better things now, I got nicer things, I- "Johnny an' that ain't even the point, that- that whole thing ain't even the point."

[ares-thracian.livejournal.com]

"Least he is my friend. Least he fucking cares enough to show up after something like that and see how I am, least he fucking cares enough to ask me. You- you don't even-"

"Yes, the measure of a good friend. All good friends come to check on you after they've knowingly attacked you," I say dryly, rolling my eyes. "I didn't what? Come ask you myself? I knew you were fine. And seeing me now, you wonder why I stayed away?"

"You don't give a fucking shit, do you? You're too busy with your fucking god stuff to even wonder if I'm okay. I ain't seen you in a fucking month, I don't even know where you been. You ain't the same."

Chuckling I shake my head, "You foolish boy and what do you think my god stuff consisted of lately, if not protecting you? Ah yes, but I'm supposed to be human too, eh? I'm sorry Luke it just doesn't work that way."

"You ain't the same at all. I fucking loved you. Don't you fucking get that? And you're- you're fucking scared so you're doing this."

"You're right again, Luke." I say evenly. And he is, about all of it. "I don't know whats happening or what will happen. And I'm not the same as you've known, no. But this is what I was before the apocalypse and its me now." This is also me not going to allow my love for him to end up killing him, not like it did my queen. I guarantee this town won't survive it were that to happen again.

[a-cheval.livejournal.com]

For a moment I'm about to tell him I don't know what he's on about when I realise he thinks I'm talking 'bout Johnny. "I don't mean him," I say, only it doesn't fucking matter to him, so I don't carry on. "I didn't what? Come ask you myself? I knew you were fine. And seeing me now, you wonder why I stayed away?"

"How? You ain't fucking psychic. You don't know nothing about me no more. You don't know what I done or how I feel or none of it. I come looking for you before to tell you I told my brother 'bout- 'bout everything. You don't know 'bout that." And that's for fucking starters. And I want to tell him everything else he don't know, I want to and I'm clinging on to it, but I don't, cause maybe that'd be just shitty, maybe that'd hurt him and I didn't want to do it like this, I didn't want it to be like this so I don't tell him. But I dunno who I'm kidding. He wouldn't fucking care.

Only then he laughs. He laughs at me and he calls me foolish boy and I don't hear the rest cause I'm talking sorta shaky over the top of him. "Don't you fucking laugh at me. Don't you fucking laugh at me, I-" But I can't hold it in no more then even if I try, and I try so hard cause I don't want him to see me crying but I can't help it and I start. "Fuck you," I spit, only the words ain't too clear and I'm trying to wipe my cheek like he won't see, only he will. "Just fuck you."

I can't listen to him no more. I can't listen to him talking all calm and cold like this. "Didn't even happen to you," I say. "Happened to me, not you, and you're using it to.. to do this. But you- you don't need to fucking worry 'bout me hanging round you cause I- I ain't. You don't even know why I come down here. I come down here to tell you I was sorry but I couldn't- I- I was going to do it nicely. I was going to do it fucking nicely, why d'you have to be so horrible?" Shake my head and take a deep breath, shutting my eyes. "It don't matter. Doesn't fucking matter. I ain't doing this." When I open 'em again he's just standing there. I ain't staying for this. And it ain't like he'll still be there, so I don't bother looking back neither.

[ares-thracian.livejournal.com]

Luke's getting angrier and angrier and I'd say that wasn't my intention but then I don't know what my intentions are anymore. He says he came here to tell me he wants to end things but he was going to do it nicely. Of course he would do it nicely, I don't think he has a mean bone in his body, unlike me. Should have done like I said and kept my mouth shut and this would have gone easier.

I don't answer his questions though, would just result in further argument and there really is nothing to argue about. Never was. "It don't matter. Doesn't fucking matter. I ain't doing this." He says then walks away.

And so its done. I sit in my chair on the porch and watch until he's out of sight, feeling as flat and cold as my words. And that's the thing about being a god, I know I'll live regardless of whether I care to or not.