“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Friday, day 68, around 5pm

I've had a great deal to think on, this last day or two. Glass stayed until quite late on Wednesday night. I drank not quite half a bottle of wine, but it went to my head well enough, since I'm not much of a drinker, and we talked on a few things and laughed on some others, and I slept dreamlessly for once, a blank and quiet sleep.

Since then, however, I've been thoughtful. People have stopped asking whether I'm marrying Laurence, thank goodness, and so things are back to normal there. Amanda has been doing a good job, and today I told her that she's passed her trial week. She shrieked and got teary-eyed and hugged me, which was a little perturbing, but I was also pleased it made her so happy. We've decided that she will be in to help me on Saturdays - an even busier day now we have the market - and that she will run the store entirely on Mondays, which means for the first time in years I will have two days off a week. Two days in a row, moreover! It's a luxury I'm looking forward to enjoying. At the moment I don't want to pay an assistant full time, and it suits Amanda because that means for the rest of the week she can be at home on the farm. She hasn't said it, but I know her mother wants her closer to home because of Edith. So all in all it's proved to be a good arrangement.

This decision has left me feeling happy about how my business is going, and that, coupled with the thoughtfulness left after my evening with Glass, has led me to feeling cautiously optimistic about the future, despite everything that has happened lately. For the first time in a very long time, I have a number of people in my life I can trust... It's a humbling and comforting feeling.

What was it Glass said? "Strength after adversity." It was a good toast, and one I hope I can live up to. But I think it also speaks for our friendship. I'll admit now that I was jealous when Glass took up Iago as her beau. Not because I didn't want to share her... No, I suppose I must be honest and say that was part of it. I had few friends, and it seemed a hard thing to lose Glass to a man, and to the friends that seemed to come with starting that relationship. I felt her moving away from me towards people who were maybe more exciting or glamorous. Since then, though, I've come to realise something... I had so little love in my life for so long that I guarded what little I had, but it has struck me lately that the more people I've let into my life, the more people I've been able to care for. My friendship with Glass has changed, and to people viewing it from the outside it may not seem exciting... But there's a sort of bone-deep comfort in it. I did something that Glass thought so very awful she thought it was worthy of terrible punishment, and Glass nearly killed me... And yet somehow what's more important than that is that she was the person I called for in agony, and I washed blood out of her hair. I think she will always be my friend, and so now I can finally and truly wish her and Iago joy.

Realising this has made me think about the other things in my life I've been holding back on. I've always been frugal, not just with money but with my heart. But I'm in a comfortable place now - I have a good business, a nice home, and I'm a part of the community. I'm home. And if I risk some part of myself, there'll be people who can help me recover. I've always thought if I jumped I couldn't rely on anyone to catch me, and this whole thing with Laurence made me afraid that if I tried something and things went wrong, I'd just be back to being alone and lonely. But it's not true. So maybe it's worth taking a risk. I'm not sure how great a risk I can take - I'm still not so very brave - but maybe something is worth trying now.

I shut up the store at usual at five. I've decided that I'm going to walk to the smithy and see if Laurence is there, and ask if he wants to go for a walk in the early evening sunlight. I don't give myself time to change my clothes and convince myself that I should leave it for another day. Instead I just run a hairbrush through my hair and put on a fresh coat of lipstick, and walk along the road. Maybe things won't work out. But today seems like a good day to test my courage.

[open to Laurence] [closed]

Comments

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

Working on the clock for Kate admittedly reminded me how much I enjoyed such fine work. I have already managed to find a few more, larger cogs in the yard and I sit on the floor in the back cleaning them until they shine. The cloth moves quickly over the last one, my fingers pressing it tight to the metal to remove the last of the grime. I was fortunate to find ones with minimal rust. The cloth catches, pulling on a few strings to unravel part of it. My brow creases as I gingerly remove the fabric. I pick the pieces from the jagged piece. Under the grime I had not been able to notice the break in it. I think it is salvageable. After placing the other cogs on the floor I rise and move into the large workroom, rubbing the cog absently on my shirt as I walk. The room is getting darker as the sun lowers in the sky, but we have a few more hours of sunlight left. The fire is hot and I know I could probably reform the cog myself but I think I will ask for Cain's assistance with this one.

My eyes go to the open door and I see a woman there. Kate. I break into a grin as I set the broken metal down, wiping my hands on my jeans while I walk to greet her.

"Hello, Kate. How are you?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I peer into the darkness of the smithy. I wonder how Cain and Laurence manage to work in such heat during the summer, though I suppose it's nice in the winter... I know my apartment can get cold during winter, as if we all put on electric heaters the power can sometimes go out, so we're advised to ration their use. Of course, we didn't even have those where I grew up... A random thought. Laurence comes to the door, smiling. He's clearly been working.

"Hello, Kate. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm very well," I say. "But if you're working, I don't want to interrupt..."

See how far my courage goes? Clearly not very far.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

"Not at all," I say, my face still lit with happiness at her presence. "I have done about all I had planned for the day. Please, come in." I step back to let her enter, not making her pass me. The work and the heat have left me in great need of some water. "I am glad to hear you are well. Is there something I may do for you?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"I am glad to hear you are well. Is there something I may do for you?"

This all seemed much easier in my head.

"Oh! No, I don't need anything... I just closed up the store for the night, and, well, it's still sunny... So I wondered if you wanted to go for a walk? Maybe by the river? It's nice at this time of day." Thankfully I somehow manage not to blush.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

A walk? Is this the second date? I smile down at her.

"Of course. If you don't mind I will clean up a little first." I lead her into the eating room where the cogs still lie with the dirty cloth on the floor. For a moment I disappear into my lean-to, running a wet cloth over my face and chest after discarding my shirt before throwing on a nicer, cleaner one. I smooth my hair back with a hand as I step back into the room with a smile. "Shall we?" I ask.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"Of course. If you don't mind I will clean up a little first."

"Of course," I say. Waiting for Laurence, I start to get a little nervous, so I am glad when he comes back, and also glad that he is just wearing an ordinary shirt rather than anything fancy... It makes this feel less intimidating.

"Shall we?"

I smile and nod, and we step out into the street. The sun is shining as we step off Main Street and onto the bank of the river. We start walking along.

"The water is pretty with the light sparkling on it, isn't it?" I say as the sound of Main Street starts to fade. "Have you had a good week?"

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

"It is, yes," I say, though I think it is not nearly as pretty as she. My head moves in a nod at her second question. "Yes, quite a good week. How about your week? Has it gone well?"

I look over to her and smile at the sunlight playing through her hair and lights her face.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"Yes, quite a good week. How about your week? Has it gone well?"

"Pretty well," I say. I decide not to mention the gossip in town. He will only get abashed and apologise again, and that might spoil my good mood... Hopefully it has all blown over now anyway. "I decided to take on Amanda permanently. So I will be able to take Mondays off too. That will be nice," I say. I look at Laurence and catch the way he is looking at me, and I blush a bit and continue in a slightly more flustered manner. "And, um, you - were you making another clock when I came in?"

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

I nod my head as she speaks.

"I am glad that Amanda is working out for you. I think you could be a good influence on her, Kate. And I think the time off will be a good thing for you." She blushes, the rose color touching her cheeks and enhancing her beauty tenfold. "I was--making the one for you made me realize how I missed it." My arm brushes against her as we walk and I blush a little myself, the contact sending tingling sensations up my arm. "It still works, I hope," I add lamely.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Laurence's arm brushes mine as we walk, and I feel my stomach clench for a moment.

"It still works, I hope," he says, and I laugh and swat his arm.

"Of course it works! It's a lovely piece of work. You should have more confidence in it," I add.

We walk around a bend in the river. The town feels far away now. It is pretty here, and quiet.

"Shall we sit down for a while?" I suggest. "It's nice to watch the river, I think." There is a nice spot under the shade of a tree growing near the riverbank and I point towards it.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

I blush again at her compliment and manage to utter my quiet thanks for the compliment. We come upon a quiet spot where the sunlight filters through the trees and the river babbles in a soothing tone. I follow Kate to a spot near the water where the boughs of a tree protect the grass from the summer sun. We sit and I wonder silently if I sit too close, or perhaps too far.

"It is a very lovely spot, Kate. Do you come out here often?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I smile.

"Now and then. Perhaps now I have more free time I can come here more often," I say. "It's nice to get away from the bustle of town. Quite often I ride Lady out into the country, of course. I think she'll be glad I'm working less often, too. We can go for longer rides." I glance over at Laurence, who has sat a couple of feet away and looks a little anxious. I shift slightly closer and smile at him. "We could always take the buggy out some day, if you like," I suggest tentatively.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

As she shifts closer to me, my heart leaps into my throat. I do my best to act nonchalant, smiling and shifting so that I am closer to her, too.

"I would like that," I say happily. "Lady will certainly like the exercise. And I would enjoy it, being around you, of course." The blush comes up again and I look down at the grass with a laugh.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"Lady will certainly like the exercise. And I would enjoy it, being around you, of course."

Laurence blushes and glances down, and I colour a bit too... But unlike the kneeling in the street incident, I don't mind feeling a bit embarrassed. It's almost... nice. And hearing he likes being with me - well, that certainly feels nice, too. So I touch his arm lightly.

"I'm glad. I... Well, I like spending time with you too," I say.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

I turn to look at her hand against my arm, then look into her eyes with a smile.

"I'm glad, Kate." My hand moves from my knee to take hers and I shift closer so that our sides touch lightly. "I am remiss," I say after a moment. "It has been quite some time since you were told that you are loved."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Laurence takes my hand, and I swallow dryly, but I don't move away.

"It has been quite some time since you were told that you are loved."

I colour again.

"You don't have to tell me, Laurence. I... can tell." I glance down, and then look back at him. His hand is warm around mine, and the air feels heavy around us, time slowing. I'm not aware of anything much except the sound of the river and the feel of his hand and the beat of my heart in my throat.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

She blushes again and it makes my heart swell. I look down into her eyes, deep pools of blue, and I feel the world stop around us. It is as if it all has passed away, leaving only she and I in this quiet place. On instinct, with no thought, my head lowers to hers slowly and I press a kiss to her lips.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Laurence leans forward, and I feel my breath hitching in my chest. It's not the first time we've kissed, but it still makes my heart pound, the moment before his mouth touches mine. And then he kisses me, his hand still holding my right hand, and I reach up and cup his jaw lightly with my left hand, thumb resting against his cheek.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

My hand squeezes hers lightly before I shift my body again, dropping her hand so I can slip my arm around her waist. The fingers on my face just barely brush the skin and my nerves hum. My own hand moves to where neck meets jaw, fingers brushing against her hairline. My heart races, beating loudly in my ears. I wonder if she can hear it. I wonder if I will do something wrong again, to make her cry or push her away. I send out a prayer to God that I don't.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

He puts his arm around me so we are touching, and we kiss for a long time, and I think for the first time I'm not afraid. I kiss him as if nothing ele matters, because for now nothing else does.

At last I draw back. Tentatively I place my hand against his shirt, over his heart, and I can feel it beating hard. Because of me. For me. And I smile a little wonderingly at that.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

After a long, long time of timid passion and forgetting all else (works better than liquor, come to think of it), Kate draws back. I don't follow her, though I want to. Instead I smile at her, then down at her hand on my chest. I wonder if she can feel how it races at her mere touch. My hand runs down her arm, then up to her hand, laying over it softly. My eyes take in the flush of her cheeks, her lips swollen from the kisses, her exquisite eyelashes, all of her beautiful face and my smile grows wider.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Laurence smiles at me as if he's never seen anything like me. It makes me flush, but I don't look away. And then I laugh softly.

"My lipstick," I say in explanation, and I wipe the corner of his mouth lightly with my thumb, taking the mark away. In some ways it feels more intimate than the kiss. "I do care about you, you know," I say. I can't say I love you, not yet, and maybe not ever - but I can say that. I hope it counts for something. "And," I add, "you kiss better than a preacher really should," I say, and laugh.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

A beautiful melodious laughs erupts from her lips but before I have a chance to ask, she wipes at my face with her fingers and I laugh, too.

"It makes me very happy to hear that, Katharina," I say with a silly grin on my face and a tone of teasing in my voice. I laugh again at her next sentence and duck my head a little in embarrassment. "I don't know how they should, but thank you." I certainly lack practice, but as long as I am pleasing to Kate that is all that matters to me. "You yourself are a good kisser. Have you been practicing?" I ask with another laugh.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I smile a little as he calls me by my full name. It almost sounds odd... But also pretty, the way he says it.

"You yourself are a good kisser. Have you been practicing?"

"Oh, clearly, with all my hundreds of beaux," I say, rolling my eyes and laughing as well. It feels quite pleasant to tease and be teased this way. "Perhaps I have a natural talent?" I suggest, and that makes me laugh afresh, and I look at him and the way he is smiling at me tugs at my heart, somehow, and so almost without thinking I lean forward, one hand resting on his shoulder, and kiss him.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

I smile against her lips, the feels of hers on mine makes my heart beat fast again and my skin heats beneath the pressure of her hand. Once again I feel my lips moving against hers, pressing gently. Kate is quickly setting herself to testing me. I touch her cheek lightly and draw back a little.

"Kate," I whisper quietly against her lips, but I hesitate. What was I going to say? "I--I don't--tell me what to do. I don't want to scare you, but I fear I may. Again."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Laurence draws back more quickly than I expected. Did I do something wrong?

"I--I don't--tell me what to do. I don't want to scare you, but I fear I may. Again."

I touch my forehead to his and sigh.

"Maybe we both need to be braver," I say. I move back a little and look at him. "I want - I want to try to be happy. With..." I pause and swallow. "I. I want you to be part of that." I put my hand over the fingertips he's placed against my cheek. "I don't know if we'll succeed. I'm not sure how good I can be at... Relationships. Love. Or..." I blush. "Anything else. But I... I think I want to try. If you'll... move slowly, and be patient with me."

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

My heart swells and bounces about in my chest. The brief thought that I might die right here and now from love and excitement crosses my mind, but I push it back along with the thoughts of lust that have risen to the surface. I smile and lean forward, kissing her gently before pulling back a little and smiling into her eyes.

"You set the pace, Kate," I say, making sure to use her preferred name. "Will you promise me something, though? Be honest with me. I will pay you the same courtesy. I think," I hesitate, the realization of how ridiculous I sound dawning on me, "that it will help." A blush heats my neck and I chuckle softly to cover it, as if a sound could cover a sight. "I want you to be happy, Kate. I would love to have a part in it."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I nod seriously.

"I promise. I wouldn't lie to you, Laurence." I smile and shift back to sitting next to him, and I rest my head on his shoulder. "I hope that we can both be happy." I take his hand and watch the river running by, and feel a kind of peace.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

"Me, too," I say quietly, my arm around her shoulders, our fingers interlaced and my chin resting on her hair. We sit there, in the shade by the river as it babbles and the sun falls, the world all fallen away.